Twilight Holmes
by JM Curtis
Summary: What happens when I force the Twilight gang to play detective? Find out now!
1. Dr Carlisle, I presume?

**Hey this story is before breaking dawn and Bella is human. This story is revised by dragonsong94.**

•**dragonsong94**

**Hello. Mostly my idea, but it's her^ content. I wanted Nessie in here… =(.**

•**JM Curtis**

**Hey dragonsong94 again I wanted to say =P JM**

•**dragonsong94**

**Third-person omniscient POV**

The Cullens have found themselves mysteriously locked in there house with Seth and Jacob.

"It makes things worst, because we are stuck with these dogs!" Rosalie huffed. Edward glared at Rose because she might wake up Bella. His glare was wasted because moments later a voice boomed through the Cullen household.

"Bella, wake up will ya?" the voice yelled

"Huh?" The Cullens asks themselves. Bella turned in her sleep, then muttered something about Edward and peanut butter.

"God, I did not want to do this... OK I'll do it," A boy appeared in the living room. The boy was about average height, blond with blue eyes and **e**xtreme boredom was on his face, but in his eyes evil plans lurked. "Everyone, I'm connecting the dirtiest parts of your minds to wake Bella up." Images from people's imagination of lust fly through the gateways of your minds.

"HOLY CRAP EMMETT, THAT'S SICK!!!" Bella cried sitting up quickly. Edward glared at Emmett and turned to calm Bella.

"Emmett, sweetie; if they were that big, well I couldn't keep you from tackling me!" Rose yawned bored, "But that's sweet of you to think of me that way." **(AN from Dragonsong if you don't know what she means pm us)**

"God, make it stop!!!" Jasper cried, "Feeling it is one thing—"

"OK, now that Bella is, finally, awake," the boy began, "I'm Anders, and I'd like to tell you what you will be doing." Anders had a sinister plan going and wasn't going to let anyone interfere. That much was clear on his face.

"Damn you, You Bastard!!!" Emmett yelled, as he ran to punch Anders. Without even looking, Anders held up his hand and Emmett shot backward… right into a lamppost.

"Wait, a LAMPPOST??? …IN OUR LIVING ROOM???" Edward asked. Anders just shrugged and smiled, "And why can't I read your mind???"

"If you lot would shut up, I'd tell you," Anders barked. Everyone was anticipating what this dork would do next, "Good, first my, um, assistants." As soon as the words left his lips, two girls dropped from the sky.

"Dammit Anders, do you always have to drop us out of the sky???" one inquired. She was also of average height, just the right roundness, fair, brown hair and eyes and also bored.

"If Caitlyn wasn't here, you wouldn't be either!" the other one screamed. She was just a bit skinny and above-average tall, **long** brown hair and brown eyes and, yet again, bored.

"Heather calm down!" The girl the Cullens assumed was Caitlyn, commanded. Nervous chatter broke in with the Cullens.

"THAT"S IT!!! NO MORE TALKING!!!" Anders yelled. Jacob tried to yell but couldn't. He began to shake. He faced Anders, and leapt for him. Caitlyn let out an audible gasp. Anders rolled his eyes and muttered "Dog lover," Before continuing

"FREEZE!!!" Anders bellowed. Jacob was frozen in midair. Caitlyn and Heather quickly moved the frozen Cullens and werewolves into a criss cross apple sauce semi circle. Anders frowned as his minions moved against his commands. Heather kept moving Bella away from Edward and Caitlyn kept putting her back. Anders just shook his head. Finally Heather just sat on the other side of Edward. Caitlyn leaned up against Seth then jumped.

"What?" Anders asked looking slightly worried, like he had forgotten something.

"Seth is hot." Caitlyn started. Heather, who almost looked like she had been expecting this, rolled her eyes and pretended to gag, "In more ways then one." The three mobile ones laughed then Caitlyn Settled back into Seth.

"What are we doing boss?" She asked. Anders, looking relived, began.

"OK, I've gotten really bored and have been reading Conan Doyle books. So I am setting up the first Twilight version of Sherlock Holmes!!!"

**Cliffy. Read and Review**

**Disclaimer: I own Twilight for the next three seconds**

**Fame (ooh)**

**Glory** (ah)

**Fortune (speechless)**

**I don't own it any more =(**

• **dragonsong94**

**Well… went weird weally qwuickwy. Huhuhuhuhuhuh.**

• **JM Curtis**


	2. Release the Hounds!

**Hola, ****今日は****, Aloha, Bonjour, Hey, it's Chapter 2!!! Whoopee!!! DANCE, DAMNED PUPPETS, DANCE!!! Big hug-and-a-thanks to dragonsong94! **

•**JM Curtis **

**Hey y'all have fun. **

•**Dragonsong94**

**Anders POV**

I unfroze them to see their reaction.

"Who plays Holmes?" Edward asked. "Whats Bella's part in this?"

The Cullens, Caitlyn, Heather, Jacob, and I just noticed Seth was sleeping…

Seth woke up. How he had fallen asleep, I do not know. He blinked his eyes open. Too late, Caitlyn realized that she was still cuddled up against Seth. We hear the shattering of glass, and the next thing I know, I was knocked to the floor in Seth's push/grab motion. I would deal with that stupid wolf later. If Caitlyn let him live. Then I realized; Caitlyn was gone.

**(A/N this is in my head… anything can, and most likely will happen****, for future refrence****)**

Pretty soon we hear Caitlyn, "You… you… …IRRESISTIBLE BASTARD!!!" All at once with shattering glass. A large earth-colored ball of curly fur flies at Seth from behind. Seth is knocked to the ground and pinned, and the fur turns out to be a large, sleek wolf.

Before I can even think, I cover my eyes and turn Caitlyn back to normal.

"EDWARD ALMIGHTY, CAITLYN PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!" I hear Heather shriek. I snap my fingers and Caitlyn is once again decent.

"Uh, Heather? Did you just say 'Edward almighty'?" Edward asked.

"Uhhhhhm," Heather replied. "NO...I said, um Emmett, no...ummm...Elephant. Thats the one Elephant."

"COULD WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE TOPIC???" I yell.

"Hold on! Anders could you *pst*pst*pst*?" Heather asked.

"Fine, if it will shut you up! AND CAITLYN GET OFFA SETH!!!" I replied.

"Meany," Caitlyn grunted, as she uncurled and slid away from Seth's chest.

I did what Heather asked, just to shut her up.

"Um, Anders? Is that an Edward clone?" Alice asked. Heather was now standing right next to an exact copy of Edward… …with one change. I set all his Bella focuses to Heather focuses.

"Dude… I'm not going to even say how messed up that is," Jasper criticized.

"And why does he smell like horses?" Rosalie commented. It was true. Heather had asked me to create an Edward for her… that smelled like horses.

"OK GUYS AND GALS, GET READY TO PICK YOUR SHERLOCK HOLMES PARTS" I yelled. While that distracted them, I had brought into being a game-show stage with a giant bingo tumbler. The bingo tumbler actually had ping-pong balls with Sherlock Holmes parts on them. The balls were two feet across.

"Excuse me, Anders? What is up with this," Carlisle asked. By 'this,' he was referring to the baker's dozen of women in bikinis. All were holding suitcases.

"Oh," I replied, "They needed a temp job. Those suitcases hold the outfits you'll be wearing." Also I had had a little too much coffee, and was watching 'Deal or No Deal.' I saw Caitlyn roll her eyes and nodded to Heather who turned and happily slapped me across the face. Bitch was going to pay. I know exactly how to.

"Everybody, please move yourself into the steel-mesh cage!" I happily ordered. I heard a couple "Wait, what?"s from them. So I just 'popped' them into it.

"Anders, Why are we—Caitlyn and I—in here?" Heather asked. They both had looks of mixed horror and anger on their faces.

"Well— it's fun. ALICE! Please step on out!" I replied. She had no choice; she was outside the cage as soon as the words left my lips.

"ANDERS If YOU DARE KILL ME, HEATHER OR SETH I WILL KILL YOU!!!!" Caitlyn screeched. She paced in her cage like a trapped animal. Oh wait she was.

"What am supposed to do—" Alice asked.

"Anders get Me The HELL OUT OF HERE!" Heather yelled, getting louder with ever word. She rattled the bars of her cage. I rubbed my face and ignored her. She would pay.

"Interesting question Alice, another good one is; what part will you get when it comes crashing down on you?" I teased. I pulled a lever.

"Wait—" She didn't finish. A giant ping-pong ball barely missed her by an inch, "Where did that come from? Why didn't you use the tumbler???"

"Oh, the tumbler? It's just a prop. You might want to dodge a few more, they come down faster and faster, but the good ones are near the end." I explained. I **was** going to use the tumbler. But this seemed more fun.

"Oh god—" She didn't get to finish… again. A giant ping-pong ball had hit her on the head. I tapped the ball and it printed out her part.

"Ooh, 'Abbey's Reverend Mother,' good luck," I congratulated. One of the bikini girls opened her case and brought over a habit… and a fat suit. I planned on one of the girls getting the fat suit.

"Hey Anders, why did it print out the part?" Esmè asked. She had a look of confusement on her face.

"Well, I'm not too sure… you might find out since it's your turn next!" I concluded.

**Yay for cliffies!**

•**JM Curtis**

**HEY that was kind fun to right. When JM said puppets****;**** he ment puppets. R&R or ill eat you.**

•**dragonsong****94**


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